Well

Here in A'dam still. And I'm back with another photoless post. This past week has sucked up much of my brain's energy. It is definitely good to be back in Amsterdam. It feels good cruising through the streets and canals on Old Bill. The mental battle always raging inside is the debate between whether or not to suck it all up and keep pushing for another month. My Ma and good friend Adria have both suggested I try and stick it out and this morning after breakfast I thought I'd broken through the clouds and glimpsed the greener grass on the other side. For a moment in fact I actually did and after showering I was deciding I may just push for it and live out the remaining month here in Europe. But, my mind really is stubborn and cannot forget the previous couple of days when I'd already decided to head to London and call it quits early. This morning while trying to sleep in the dorm two drunk girls came in around 4 am and did nothing but yap their mouths off. They didn't stop yapping for 2 hours. And while getting soaked in the Amsterdam rain walking to the next hostel I decided that I really am done. I lived here in Amdam for 2 months and now I'm back and falling in and out of hostels. I have a place for the next two nights (thank god) but then Sat and Sun are still unspoken for. As it is I'll have to switch dormitories at this current hostel after tonight. And while these things really are trivial, I don't want to stay in hostels while visiting Amsterdam. It somehow suggests I am just passing through, that this is the first time I am here and I am just another traveling tourist. Dorms and hostels are for the young. For the kids traveling for the first time who don't want to see anything else other than the big cities. They want to go to Red Light District and smoke in coffeeshops. And rent bikes and go on Amsterdam Dungeon Tours. At the very least hostels scream: I am temporary! And that's the exact opposite of what I currently want.

While Ireland is some place I would love to visit. And once there I would have a place to drop my luggage for a time, I think about the next week and it's just so daunting to me. Flying to Belfast then training it down to Dublin and eventually to Cork is a complex thing. I could fly directly to Cork and avoid the craziness of two more cities, but then I'd have to find accomodation in Cork for 4 nights. And I am acquiring more luggage. And I am also not accustomed to traveling through cities in the high season. It is much more difficult to find accomodation a week ahead of time. These things plus the fact that I haven't been able to do laundry in over 2 weeks is really just something I don't want to deal with. It's something I shouldn't have to deal with. I'm at this point where I don't want to meet other travelers. I'm tired of falling in and out of people's lives. I've these brief glimpses for a couple days or a few weeks and then it's another goodbye, farewell, or see you later I don't want to have to go through. The feeling of permanence is something I long for. And even when I get to Laraugh and drop my bags with Marie and Ger it will only be a matter of time until I have to say goodbye again. I much rather head to London, stay with my good friend Mosh, and not move for awhile.

And a lot of people may think I am crazy to consider giving up the freedom that I've currently, but I really do feel that I am done. I'd like to find a job, earn money instead of always worrying about it. One thing I've forgotten, and that other people have forgotten as well is that my initial goal in coming to Europe was to find a job in Amsterdam, rent a flat, and stay put for 6 months. I never planned to see Europe in the way that I have. And I'm not saying it's a bad thing by any means. You have to go with the flow when traveling. That's the only way to really enjoy it. But I am beyond this kind of travel. I don't want small glimpses.

As everyone knows, I can always come back to Europe. I can come back to Amsterdam. I can travel to Ireland. Even though Adria made a good point about things continuing with this current experience and the memories and times I may spend in Ireland will be unique, if I travel to Ireland in 2 years or 10 years those experiences will also be unique. And so I'm quite certain at this time that the decision is final. I'm tired of being a stranger amongst strangers. I want to fly to Seattle and contemplate the future. And so that's all that's left to do. Get to London and book a flight home and then it's all done. So there we have it folks: the decision has been made to call it quits....



Zach